These are two topics that I try to avoid with most friends and relatives. I love my peeps, but going into these dank territories with loved ones is like purposely whacking a yellow jacket nest. It stings and gets red and angry.

I have an abundance of Christians in my family, and was, in fact, raised as a Conservative Baptist. I really tried to become a Christian, but it never seemed quite right for me. There was always something a little hinky feeling when I tried to accept this version of reality as the only true way for my life to be lived. I don’t think I would’ve done any better trying to be a Catholic, Jew, Hindu, Muslim, or any other religious follower on the planet.

At times I’ve wondered what is wrong with me…a vast majority of people follow some sort of religion as their lifestyle. What I’ve come to know and understand is that there’s nothing wrong with me. I believe in some fairly universal tenets of religion: that there is a supreme intelligence I choose to call God, that this supreme intelligence is pure love, that there are choices humans make which create positive or negative conditions, that there is light and dark (2 sides to a coin, good and evil, etc.), and by having faith that I get what I need and letting go of trying to control outcomes, I create peace and serenity in my life.

The language of Christians (and other religious groups) is marked with the assumption that they are right. And politically speaking, I guess a lot of them are, just judging by my family. But the quoting of scriptures and continual praising of Jesus sounds a little weird to me. I didn’t drink the Koolaid and don’t understand how they can be any more right than anyone else. And sounding righteous is not an attractive human trait for any of us.

What I know is that my spiritual beliefs are right for me and that I don’t need to be saved by someone else. How do I know this? God has revealed to me my own truth and has placed the universal stamp of approval on my heart. I can and do love my fellow humans regardless of what kind of weird little monkeys I perceive them to be, and if they need to spew dogma, I can listen for their intention rather than their words. Otherwise, I would not be able to tolerate such fanaticism.

A lot of folks these days get religion and politics all mixed up in a big pile of goo. I suppose that’s what it has become…one’s religious/spiritual beliefs inform one’s political beliefs and choices are made, not based on what one can cogitate with one’s own mind, but instead based on the background and belief system of the candidate that most closely matches one’s own.

I’m not affiliated with any political party anymore. None of them fit me, although the Green Party comes closest. When I first registered to vote, I was clueless and registered as a Republican because I heard my parents say they were Republican. I think a majority of youngsters register this way when they first get politically inclined. Very few are actually able to discern what’s right or wrong for them due to the fact that they haven’t lived long enough. They do what their parents did.

I wasn’t too far along in my voting career before I realized that the candidates and issues I was voting on tended not to agree with the Republican party. To my horror, I recognized that I was going to have to switch parties, do some actual research or not vote.  As I was reading through the ideologies (or issue stances) for each party, I would inevitably find that my personal beliefs would collide with one or more things on each list, making it impossible for me to select an affiliation. My head said I should overcome this disagreement and select the least of the offenders, but my heart is still waiting for the perfect political alignment. Too bad I didn’t approach marriage this way.

I can’t talk to most of the weird little monkeys about this stuff, because the arguments that are born in political “discussion” just make me wonder how some people live as long as they do (not a very spiritually elevated thought). Then religion starts popping into the scene and it’s all I can do to turn the other cheek and take another punch because I’m not a Christian, just another Progressive or Liberal who thinks there is such a thing as climate change due to pollution that humans have created. And let us not forget what dire straits the current President (any of them who are not Republican) has created.

The word “progressive” means moving forward or advancing. The word “liberal”  means broad minded. The word ”conservative”  means preservative, tending or disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions. It makes sense to me that since change is the one constant we can count on in our lives (besides death and taxes), being progressive and liberal should be a good thing. However, it would seem that it’s  meant as a slander.

So, to all conservatives I say, you are a Preservative, and everyone knows those aren’t good for you!

“How do I get experience if I can’t get a job?” I asked. No one had a really good answer, but I was told to just keep trying things until something worked out.

My dad thought he could get me a part-time student job where he worked. They had a program where staff members with high schoolers could get their kids jobs during the summer to get some experience and a little cash. Apparently, that did not apply for the Building Maintenance Manager, aka The Janitor, or his high schooler. Although I had suspected, I didn’t know this kind of class discrimination was real until this happened to us. My father was embarrassed that he didn’t know he wasn’t included, and ashamed that he couldn’t help his child when everyone else was helping theirs.

I felt enraged at the stupidity behind this kind of treatment. My father was a brilliant man, but life circumstances had put him in the position of working at a job where one is treated as if one is just not smart enough or good enough to do any better.

After that incident I took a left turn in life and it took many years for me to get a decent paying job. I never felt that I deserved my good fortune in landing a “decent” job, and that someone would find out that I really didn’t belong and take it away from me. In reality, I know I was a good, hard worker and was very good at what I did.

After many years of putting my heart and soul into my job, I started to notice some weird things after I turned 50. Bosses came and went, but I was always there, holding down the fort. My bosses were getting younger as I was getting older, and for the first time in my career, I felt like I was always doing something wrong even though I wasn’t. Little things started happen…such as my getting left out of an email that went to the rest of the team. The parts of my job that I liked started being handed off to new people on the team and I was being given less responsibility and more mundane mind-numbing duties. Was I just imagining this?

By the time I turned 55, it was very apparent that my newest boss did not want me on his team, however, labor rules being what they sometimes are, he could not fire me or lay me off. Instead, he systematically made my work life so unbearable that when the company was doing some major layoffs, he offered me a job he knew I abhorred with the hope that I would take a voluntary layoff rather than do that job. His plan worked and I took early retirement rather than work at a job designed to make me slit my throat.

I wasn’t worried about getting another job. I’ve never had problems getting hired as an adult. What I found when I went on the job hunt took me apart brick by brick.  By the time I was 57 my self worth was nowhere to be found. I didn’t recognize myself and I didn’t know what to do.

Try to get a job in your field after age 55. Go ahead. Try it. If you can do it, kudos to you.

I’ve talked to a lot of people my age who have also found that after becoming jobless, there is no place for them in their chosen field. Those of us that have tried to get a job even half as good as what we had, have become desperate enough go to places like Home Depot, K-Mart, Target or anywhere just to get some form of employment. Reasons for not getting hired:  I was over qualified, would probably have to move appliances, they were looking for someone with lots of energy (perky), would probably get bored too easily, (add any other excuse here). That’s if I even got an interview. Mostly, I just got rejection letters or emails.

I worked “tech support” in a call center for 6 months…it was actually a sales job with a tech support component. Places like that are geared toward entry level employees, and they treat you as such regardless of your experience and background. It was a real meat grinder. They hire anyone who is breathing and can use a computer. When I was starting my young adult life these jobs might have been appropriate. Not so much now.

So what does one do for satisfying work at my age?

I’ve been able to get a tiny bit of freelance work in my field. Not enough to support my basic needs. So I decided to research how I could work for myself doing something I could actually live with. After a lot of soul searching and researching companies, I decided to get in on a ground floor opportunity as an independent advisor for a new jewelry company that sells on a home party plan. Not anywhere near my normal choice of work, but I’m no longer normal. I have to find the new me. What better way to do so than by dressing up, putting on makeup, jewelry, going to fun events and watching as people ooh and aah over this fantastic line of quality jewelry. Smiles are good.

It’s harder to get people together for these types of parties than it was I was a kid. Back then, when we didn’t have any way to keep in touch besides phone calls, letters or getting together in person, home sales parties proliferated. I remember my mom having parties and attending parties…I lurked in the background and took mental notes about appropriate social behavior while munching on party treats with the women-folk.

Now with social networking the norm, some of us have lost our knowledge of hospitality, courtesy and real conversation, and some of our children have never experienced something akin to these social shopping events. Although I love my network connections and would never give up my electronic gadgets, I see the home party plan making a comeback as one way to bring back some of the social graces we’ve lost in shuffle of progress. Also, it gives me a reason to get up, get dressed and out of the house. I’ve got a new energy and direction and I’m saying ta-ta to my old self.

Can’t find your way back into your career? Can’t find a job? Heading into the 4th quarter of your life and feeling a bit dazed and confused? Consider doing something you’ve never considered doing before. Do the research, discover what you can live with, find a product or service that you like, and become the new you. There’s no test to pass, there’s no one to tell you why you can’t do it (unless you live with some asshole) and there’s nothing to lose by trying. From my perspective, there’s a lot worse things than selling high quality fashion jewelry at home parties (and I’ve done those things) and there’s no where to go but up!

And who doesn’t like beautiful jewelry?

China cat is the Whiner. He complains about most things unless I’m holding him, preferably under a blanket. He’s a skinny Lavender/Blue point Siamese so I figure without any meat on his bones, he must be cold all the time, and that’s why he always wants to be under a blanket. I wake up in bed with him under the covers, too. And he’s a bit finicky about food. Sometimes I put food out and he goes over and sniffs and if it doesn’t meet with his approval, he starts scratching the floor trying to cover it up like it’s an almond roca in the litter box. What a critic.

Buster is the Fetch Cat. She was a feral kitty that was very sick, weighed 2.5 pounds and was on the brink of dying. Who could resist? She has grown up to be a beautiful cat with a very sweet disposition. She hides when people come around (I’m not people) and because she was so sick, her voice is more like a tiny squeaky croak, plus she doesn’t see very well. What she does do well is play fetch. Her favorite fetch toys are the plastic rings from the necks of milk jugs and plastic covered twist wires from electronics packaging. She’s very specific about this. After years of being with me, she finally sits on my lap, but I can’t hold her.

Leelu is a very Naughty Cat. She was a rescue kitten. I’ve only had her for a few months and I’m hoping she grows out of the naughty stage pretty soon. She’s so darn cute, ornery, lovable and exasperating. She climbs curtains, digs in the plants and chews off their leaves, gets up on anything and everything and knocks everything to the floor, which then becomes a cat toy. Yes, I’ve been using the water spray bottle and saying NO, but she just waits until I get settled down to do something and she’s right back at it. She yells at me when she’s in trouble, and I’ve literally soaked her with water (and my house) trying to instill in her right from wrong. I’ve given up. My daughter is babysitting what’s left of my plants and I will look at getting new curtains someday. For now, don’t judge me by how my house looks. It’s Leelu’s house.

The words come into my head
Titty pink
I see a pink 1965 mustang enter the freeway to my
right, but why titty? It no more resembles a breast or
tit or hooter or any color of any part of anyone’s
anatomy than…well, maybe on some mammal, but not one I
know personally

The words come into my head
What a grotesque color
I see a florescent yellow motorcycle pass on my left
and leave a glowing trail which my eyes can‘t let go
of because I can‘t believe someone would choose such a
gaudy insult to motorcycles on purpose…but maybe he
likes yellow, and perhaps it tastes good to him

The words come into my head
Well, they’re not really words,
I see a beautiful sunset and clouds the color of
nothing I know, and the language that speaks to me is
in an omnipotent, ancient knowing that has no words
and yet sounds like everything that matters.

The words come into my head
I miss her so much
And suddenly I can’t see the world around me at all,
but am reliving the moments of tremendous tender and
fear sweating scenes of when I lose another piece of
her and couldn’t I have done better and maybe it’s all
a mistake and if I keep her in my mind and ignore what
my eyes are trying to tell me she will be real because
I’ve worked so hard to see her again

The words come into my head
The words from everywhere I’ve been and everything
I’ve done and they show up uninvited and full of
themselves and keep meditation at bay because they
don’t want to lose their place in my universe, my
chaos

The words come into my head
But sometimes I don’t hear them before they shoot
right out of my mouth and I wonder if I was witty and
charming or acerbic and mean and do I owe an amends to
someone or did I really say it in the first place

The words come into my head
Life is too short
I look around and see the world and know that I must
change and change, and change again until I, too, am
gone.

We were taught to get along, share things, not be mean, not call names…and then we all got juice and cookies before a mandatory nap.

Life was good, it made sense, we followed simple rules and got rewarded with simple pleasures.

Now life sucks…we can’t trust anyone because everyone lies, manipulates, steals, and they’re all armed with humongous blame-throwers. Everyone gets pitted against each other and no one is getting any juice or cookies.

Some observations:

We’re constantly bombarded with politicians’ shenanigans and witness the ego-driven power-grabbing hoopla that long ago replaced election campaigning. Who are these people, and why would any of them think they can hide their flawed human character from the x-ray vision of the publicity machines? And at this point in time, how can anyone continue to believe that our political party system is a viable means of electing the most appropriate people into office?  To borrow a phrase,”This shit ain’t working no more,” succinctly points out my feelings regarding our political system. I, like most people, do not have an answer, but I sure as hell hope somebody comes up with at least a step in the right direction. I’ll vote yes on that, but hell no on everything else.

We’re plied with blatant and subtle lies from advertisers, whose job it apparently is, to make us purchase things that are not exactly what the implications have led us to believe. For instance, the ad that says you can pause the movie you’re watching in one room and continue it in the next. Not true, but many people are paying for it. With enough of the right equipment, you can watch something in one room, stop watching it (not pause it), and if you’re lucky and all your equipment and internet service is working properly, resume watching in a different room. Pause and stop are two different functions and people are led astray by this. I know because I worked on the support end of this lovely lie and had to constantly tell people that they had to stop watching, not pause. If they pause the movie they cannot bring it up in the other room because it shows it’s in use and not available. People were very unhappy about the lie. I don’t work there anymore.

On one news station we get a report that is in direct opposition to another news station’s report. Which one is true? The one you believe to be true…then you spend time trying to convince someone who believes the other news report that they are wrong. WTF! Personally, I prefer news that is based on scientific fact so I lean toward watching news, rather than opinions. I have some friends and relatives, however, who prefer to watch news with a smirk (as I call it). I have tried watching this news, but to me it’s like watching a bad soap opera or WWF wrestling…the actors are terrible, the story line is ridiculous and I’m incredulous that anyone thinks this is real. I am not making the mistake of trying to convince anyone that what they’re watching is pure horse shit, because I want my juice and cookies.

I’m going to take my nap now.

I imagined I would be married to my best friend, living at the beach, running a business, playing music whenever it suited me and selling off my properties to assist in my retirement when it came time.

That was my reality until my spouse, who had been my best friend for many years, decided he was tired of our marriage and fell in love with someone younger and slimmer. The economy, which I heard was supposed to be getting better, took a turn for the worse and I had to close my business. My properties went on the market, but no one is buying and I’m in the process of losing my home. I moved to a small southern Oregon town where my daughter lives so I could at least be close to family while my life fell apart…falling apart in a single-wide in a mobile home park…I always wondered why people lived in these things. My other two properties are rented and barely sustaining themselves, and I’m stuck taking care of them with no buyers in sight.

I’m not living the life I had imagined.

I was living it, but like so many people these days, my retirement is close enough that I can see the whites of its eyes and it’s not looking like the leisurely and relaxing time for which I had planned. Instead, I have a low paying, miserable job which underutilizes my skills, that I cannot find my way out of because I can’t live without a paycheck and no one seems to be hiring people of my age group.

I’m pretty sure I’m living someone else’s life…this is nothing like I had imagined.